Inner Demons – Anger Management

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Published on: November 20, 2014

Inner Demons – Anger Management

Hello my invisible other…I have no idea what I want to say…my ego has been playing havoc with my heart strings over the last few days…I have no space in my mind left to think…a defragmentation is overdue…Inner Demons – Anger Management

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my senses feel on high alert…listening…my ears are receiving the outside world like a satellite dish…sounds rebound off my eardrums…refused entry into my inner mind…keeping the unwanted distraction as background noise…

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I seriously need to switch off…focus my vision towards the static playing on my mind…it’s become a luxury to be able to leave the confinements of planet earth…for short periods of timelessness…peace of mind…what more could another soul ask for…finding comfort inside your own mind

Inner Demons - Anger Management

climbing the depths of silence until I can no longer hear a whisper…the sound of my voice is deafening…finally I can hear myself think…Taking a deep breath I exhale…if my mind was wound any tighter my brains would explode…

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I find myself becoming hot and bothered one minute…the next minute my heart simmers on the quiet…wrestling with my ego to keep the lid firmly closed…containing the beast within from unleashing the hounds of hell…

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

revealing my personalities in an attempt to overtly express my inner self…who wouldn’t go mad living in a monochromatic world…I have to wonder at myself sometimes…where on earth does the anger I possess come from…

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anger fuelled rage begging for a release…setting every nerve ending on fire…the twisting deep within my soul is gut wrenching…a whirl wind of smoke and fire enters my body chaining my soul to the devil without ceremony…

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my heart bursting into a roaring blaze…accompanied by an ego ready to unleash the frenzied fury like a bitch on heat…control comes with the territory…

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I must say my invisible other I have never lost control completely…I have never over stepped the boundaries of blind rage…to the point of no return

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

although I have once or twice tethered on the edge of a full blown catastrophe…a nanosecond decision between life and death…my heart manages to restrain the beast before the gates of hell are opened wide mouthed ready to swallow my uncontrollable soul whole…

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Anger feels like a possession that pulls the plug on emotional ties…flipping my heart into a mean machine…the thin line between love and hate snaps like a fragile hair…finding restraint while raging hormones…frustration and desecration surges through my blue veins…not the easiest of tasks my dear…thank God I hardly ever lose my nerve…

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throwing a temper tantrum  is not in my nature…I don’t find anger attractive in the least…having seen a few lost tempers in my time I shied away from losing control…I found the whole experience of exposure and the change of persona…demonizing…

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sudden outbursts of pent up pressure…the atmosphere changed like the weather…thunder claps and bolts of negativity overcast by laden clouds of misery…

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taking your anger out on someone else is demeaning and degrading…unless of course they are glutton for punishment

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the emotionally unstable…tip the balance of joy and pain erasing the rainbow…the bridge between sunshine and rain…light and dark…angelic and demonic…disappears into the shadows…darkness consuming oneself from the inside out…

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

deep within my heart wrath was planted like a seed…a sapling that would grow depending upon nurture or nature…a tree that’s able to bare two fruits…one sweet tasting but very unhealthy for the souls well being…known as self destruction…the other fruit is very bitter and hard to swallow…spiritual healing for the soul…known as patience

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a birth mark that remained to be seen…I sensed the evil curl and twist every time I heard my full name…Natasha didn’t you know my invisible other…deep within my mortal shell my guts churned…if I suffered an injustice the urge to put things right was monstrous…if my trigger switch was flipped God help me

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My first real challenge by way of controlling one’s own inner demons…fell upon the shoulders of my older sibling causing a massive chip…one that split and fractured as we grew older…regardless of the no love lost between us

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going out of his way to inflict as much pain on my physical body he could possibly get away with…whenever he saw fit…forget about bruises or scratches I could hold my own…I didn’t feel a thing physically…in the heat of the moment I became pain free…emotionally I felt like he had invaded my space…without right of way

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although I must admit having my fingers caught in a slamming door was hardly music to my ears…on another occasion a fractured thumb which I would like to add…was his way of just playing…two weeks later I received medical attention for my jet black swollen phalange…

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by which time he went unpunished for his vindictive crimes…why two weeks…my injuries were never taken seriously…I never claimed to be a weakling

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I didn’t want revenge as such…I wanted nothing more than to be wearing his shoes…if I had a pair of monkey boots the kick aiming for his shin would even out the playing field…swinging my leg wide enough to pay him back in kind…making sure if I broke my big toe it was for a good cause…

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toe to toe…the rift between us wasn’t to be taken personally…demon to demon…tools in a game where the loser becomes devils bait losing their mind…giving the demon the right to possess the weaker of the two…all we had to was to lose our rag according to the devils rules

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

my attire of knee high frilly dresses…pig tails and patent shoes were impractical placing my right to defend myself at a disadvantage…I voiced my objection everyday getting dressed…I want to wear trousers…my mother mused at my determination to be treated equally

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when my brother finally brandished a new pair of shoes…this was my chance to shine…begging my mother for the one heirloom I truly admired…hand me down monkey boots…along with any other items of clothing I could fit into…scuffed brown leather boots with real laces and a pair of old jeans…heaven

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I couldn’t wait to try on my brother for size…a snug fit…he wasn’t the only one who had grown…by the age of seven we were evenly matched…in my eyes equal in height but not so much where love and hate was concerned…I didn’t want to fight…hurting a loved one was far from my mind…if push came to shove…I would stand my ground…

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my dominantly wild streak felt comfortable in my new play clothes…safe from roving eyes…liberated because my skin was covered up…free to move around and find my feet…wearing my brothers shoes in his eyes didn’t go down a treat…

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whatever his problem was lashing out in a fit of rage ended swiftly with his shoes now on the other foot dousing his flames…I had no reason to punish him for the intrusion of his violent past…I used a means of self defense that told us a part…my conscience remained clear…

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bruising his ego was as far as I wanted to go…whatever his inferior motives…once he backed off I left him alone…

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I found no pleasure in over stepping the mark…why kick a man down…counting to ten keeping my cool…if indeed the avenger wanted another pop…I had no mercy until the safe word was spoken out loud…instantly becoming submissive letting the dead beat breathe

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

my  male  persona was layered in taking the edge off my souls serious side…stitching my character together with remnants of good I found hidden inside all that’s evil…I was best left well alone…shackling my brother’s fists of fury for the time being…

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my heart had to muscle everything in its power to restrain the monsters within myself from getting out of hand…doing some serious damage or ending up fifty shades f**ked in the head…the devil put the seed of Satan to the test…

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knowing fair well if I took a bite from the sweet taste of revenge…the anger I possessed would grow into a wild fire…If I chose to use my weakness as a strength the devil would win

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I preferred the companionship of males old and young…my father being the apple of my eye…further more infuriating my brother’s envy…he was somewhat hostile about sharing buddies…tough luck…actually my dear they weren’t my words…females early on in life…I found little or no connection to the same sex…I seemed to be on a different wave length…one I didn’t care to readjust…

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I didn’t need to become a doll to act all grown up…I didn’t want to spend my days changing nappies and playing make believe with plastic kitchen utensils…cooking invisible food or drinking from an empty tea cup…

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my perception of older females was still a grey area as far as my own future was concerned…my repressed sex drive was still under provisional supervision…

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

for now I had bigger concerns…I liked the idea of a smack in the mouth…day dreaming about the amount of punishment I would in kind dish out…my body would react with an insane dose of adrenaline…a pain killer that could become addictive…channeling negative vibes into a positive outcome…a security precaution built around my own protection

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lulling my insatiable appetite just in case I need to defend my integrity…focusing most of my time and leisure on sporting activities…I loved ball games…on a more soothing note I was best friends with a pad and pencil…shading and blending my subconscious until my enemies came to light

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don’t get me wrong my invisible other where violence was concerned I didn’t go looking for trouble…I spent most of my time inside my own mind getting to know the limits of the devil…and how far I was prepared to go…placing an emergency brake in my heart to over ride auto pilot…

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violence was a part of an everyday reality on the streets…your own back yard wasn’t safe…school playgrounds…danger lurks in your own shadow…once you learn to live in a wicked world it becomes second nature…

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it’s funny how anything can become the norm…for whatever reason I was attracted to the devil like a magnet to metal…I do believe my invisible other it had a lot to do with the bitter taste in my mouth…swallowing pride helps to free the lump in your throat…I never liked the look of an Adam’s apple…my neck was mostly on the line

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on the odd occasion my heart would expose my souls hidden colorless self to stand up against the devils evil intent…years later down the line…I was on my way home from school…upon turning the corner of my street I caught sight of a wholesome meal…a feast where the devil was on the menu…I was famished eating my own steam

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

curled on the floor in the middle of the road…rather battered and bruised was my bro…two male delinquents were taking their pound of flesh…unable to consciously register my thoughts through the red mist erupting into a rampage…

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devouring both stray dogs with out thinking twice…protecting my blood while satisfying my own soul…claiming stake to my territory…when I came too I dragged one of the ruffians by the scruff of his leg to the nearest trash can…

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using brute force hurtling him inside the steel dumpster placing the lid on top for his own safety…turning my attention to hound number two…unfortunately he had fled from the ring side with his tail between his legs…

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trust me my dear my thoughts were running right behind him…hot on the heels of his shadow

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Ding Ding Ding round two…my brother had found his feet and was ready to take his anger out on my heartfelt concern…instead of a word of thanks he tried with all his might to rip my heart out

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

I took pity on my nemesis for the sake of brotherly love…enough to knock some sense into his misplaced loyalties…leaving his jugular vein in tact…I had nothing to prove…we both knew the score

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in my eyes we were on the same side….my heart was prepared to catch a grenade for the people I loved…

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unfortunately the feelings weren’t mutual…the devil getting the better of the ego who was prepared at any cost to cause grievous bodily harm without a just cause…I would rather take my own life first

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I truly believe my dear if your intention is for the better good…

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evil fails to prevail…it’s a lost course…evil can never win…although my sparring partner throughout my childhood caused himself no end of unnecessary grief…

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trigger switches and weaknesses can be overcome…to play the devil at his own game…you have to get to know yourself inside out…otherwise you will end up with a booby prize…

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becoming the devils play thing…although the meaning of my name is just that…play pet indeed…Natasha refused to be toyed with…Fighting for the title of Alpha male so my heart could dominate and rule my own world…Blow your top if you must…see if I care

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The reality was my dear my sibling was only a single leaf amongst a full head of branches on my tree…every single soul in my life who had no control over their demonic inner selves were potential enemies fighting on behalf of their subconscious devil…crippling their own souls…

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my bro was no more than a pain in the arse…at the time I had bigger fish to fry…a hundred and one things to attend to…my brother just happened to be…game over first…patience came with only a matter of time…no pain no pleasure gained…I needed a new challenge without the restrictions of family ties

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The shades of grey smoldering in the background of my life were growing ever darker day by day…a storm was brewing on the horizon…a demonic match made in hell was about to knock the living day lights out of my soul…to be continued

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inner demons…inner demons…inner demons…inner demons

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